The Magic Man
by delurkingatlast
Summary: Dib pays Dwicky a visit. Slash warning. Dadr. Please read this at your own discretion and whatever you do please don't laugh. Or if you do please don't tell me you did. Please.


PLEASE READ THIS FIRST.

PLEASE.

I've been lurking here for a long, long time, even before I got an account.

This is something I've had the urge to write for a long time.

Notice how I didn't say I wanted to write it.

As difficult as this was for me to write, I'm now finding it even harder to post.

I wasn't sure which show or book or movie to write it for.

At first.

But when all that dadr started coming out, I realized I had known all along, I just didn't realize I knew.

I knew then that I had to tell somebody about it.

No matter what anybody tells you, this is what the Vindicated episode was REALLY about.

I can only wonder how many other people this happened to.

Warning: slash, disturbing scenes.

Well maybe some of you might find them disturbing.

I know, I KNOW, that some of you are going to find this the most hysterically funny thing you've ever read.

As I said, I've been lurking here a long time.

I have seen many of you, those of you who hate Dib as well as those of you who say you like him (Uh huh, YEAH.) rejoice to no end when something horrible happens to him, but I did not intend this to be funny.

Laugh to yourselves if you must, but please don't bother reviewing if you're just going to say it's funny or he deserved it etc.

Just don't bother.

If you think this is funny keep it to yourself please.

I did not write this as a joke.

I don't own Invader Zim or any of these characters.

The Magic Man

"I said I don't want your smelly note! Ugh! Quit it!" Grimacing with disgust, Aki shoved Dib's scrap of paper off the edge of the desk. It caught Ms. Bitters's eye as it fluttered to the floor, exploding into a little ball of flames.

"That's the second time I caught you passing notes, Dib! Report to the counselor's office immediately!"

Secretly, Dib smiled to himself. This always worked. When he was bored, which was often, all he had to do was disobey one of the numerous stupid little rules of Ms. Bitters' classroom. It had proven to be a very reliable way to escape the boredom and rejection of the classroom for a visit to the counselor's office.

Dib now took the hall pass Ms. Bitters held out to him, and scampered happily down the corridor, eagerly awaiting the camaraderie that awaited him inside that office. Sometimes they talked about aliens, sometimes they talked about how boring skool was, and sometimes they just played cards for money, just like grownups, with the tattered deck in Dwicky's desk. Anything beat listening to Ms. Bitters tell each of the kids what unimaginable horrors awaited them as soon as they graduated. The last time they played cards Dib had won five dollars and twenty-five cents!

Dib found Dwicky digging in a desk drawer, but when he entered the room and shut the door, the counselor's bushy eyebrows shot up and he closed his drawer quickly enough. "Howdy partner!"

"Hi, Mr. Dwicky," said Dib with a smile, hopping up into his seat in front of the desk.

"What's on for today... partner?" Dib looked up and smiled.

"So, what happened today that got you sent here?" Dwicky said, an easy familiarity under the boredom in his tone, as he reached for the hall pass with an air that assured Dib that this was a mere formality and nothing to be taken seriously.

"Oh, nothing. Just trying to talk to somebody," said Dib, sighing.

"School sure is boring, isn't it?" Dwicky glanced up from the paperwork, and Dib eagerly nodded. Dwicky shot a glance at the door, and lowered his voice. "I'll let you in on something, pal. It's no easier back here either! I was just sitting here wishing I had somebody to talk to... and Presto! Here you are... my partner! I must be magic or something!"

Dib smiled broadly. Yes, there certainly was magic in this room.

Dwicky quickly finished filling out the form and dropped it into a file in his desk, then turned back to face Dib.

When Dib first started being sent here, Dwicky used to hang a sign on the outside doorknob before telling Dib they were alone and nobody would bother them. Now, however, he handed Dib the sign to hang up, with instructions to lock the door because people didn't always see the sign.

The sign read "No admittance. Counseling session in progress." Only Dwicky himself was supposed to do this, but several weeks ago Dwicky had told Dib he'd been here often enough that Dwicky knew he could trust him.

Dib could still remember how excited he had been the first time he had done this. It wasn't quite as exciting these days, but now as he hung out the sign, a little bit of the old thrill came back to him. He smiled as he locked out the world and everything in it that bored, hated and rejected him.

Dib took his seat once more, and they sat looking at each other for a few minutes. Dib was glad to just be somewhere other than his classroom, but Dwicky looked as if he was trying to think of something to do and not coming up with anything.

"Hmmm. We can't play cards, I don't have any money left from last time," he patted his pockets, "I don't have any cigarettes, of any kind, the beer's all gone, hmmm... "

Suddenly Dwicky leaned in close, flashed a glance at the door, and whispered, "Do you want to look at something really neat on the computer?"

Dib smiled and nodded eagerly, his eyes shining. There were few things he liked more than computers. He turned his chair around to face Dwicky's monitor and scooted closer.

Dwicky shook his mouse over the pad until the screensaver blinked off to reveal his wallpaper, an airbrushing of an underlit spaceship. He called up his web browser and tapped his fingers on the desk as it loaded.

"What are we looking at today?" Dib asked.

"Oh, something really neat. Something only grownups do... well, you're an honorary grownup. We made you one that day we shared a joint; remember that?" Dwicky winked.

Oh, yes, Dib remembered. He still didn't know what Dwicky had meant when he had said, "Just don't toke over the line," but even if the smoke had smelled horrible, it had sure felt good to picture Ms. Bitter's face and try to imagine what the expression on it would be if she knew. Just thinking about it now brought a smile to his face.

Dwicky called up a site saying "Adults Only" and turned to tell Dib to close his eyes as he entered his password. Okay, if they had to go through this first to get to the really neat stuff, Dib wouldn't look.

"Okay, they're closed."

"When I count to three you can open them," said Dwicky. "One, two, three... surprise!"

When Dib opened his eyes, he gasped. He'd only vaguely heard about sites like this one from the bigger kids. He had never found out what was actually on them because when they realized he was listening, they always shooed him away.

Nobody wanted Dib around, nobody. Nobody except good old Mr. Dwicky.

"What are they doing?" The screen was full of pictures of boys and men. They were doing something different in each picture, but in each one of the pictures they were all more or less completely unclothed.

"Something really good. It feels good."

"It looks... it... " Dib groped for words. Some of the boys looked unsettlingly similar to himself.

"Here. I'll show you a movie."

Dwicky clicked on a button, and a window opened up. At first, Dib tried to figure out what they were doing. It reminded him of the time he'd seen those two dogs at the park. He never found out how they got apart again as his father had suddenly remembered there was this really neat flower over here that he and Gaz had to go and look at right now.

Dwicky now came from behind his desk to stand next to the chair Dib was sitting on. He put an arm around Dib's shoulder and began to rub it up and down. It was different this time from the way he usually did it, in a way that Dib couldn't quite put his finger on. All Dib knew was that it was making him very uncomfortable.

He knew he wanted to go back to his classroom, but didn't know how to say so. Though he'd never wanted to leave in such a hurry before, he didn't want to make Mr. Dwicky mad or he'd never be allowed back. If he couldn't come back here, he would have nowhere to go when he needed somebody to talk to.

Dwicky began to breathe heavily even though he wasn't running. Dib wondered why.

The hand stroked more and more slowly. Dib was just glad it was going to be over soon; this was really creeping him out. As soon as the hand stopped moving, Dib decided, he was going to say he had to go to the bathroom. He would just go and not come back, that's all...

At last Dwicky took his hand off Dib's shoulder, but before Dib could sigh with relief, the hand had already slipped down to clutch the front of Dib's pants.

"Whatareyou - !"

"It's okay. No one can get in. You did lock the door, didn't you?" Dwicky now began pulling down the zipper.

"Mr. Dwicky what are you - ??"

"You did lock the door?"

"Yes I - Mr. Dwicky... !!" Dib grabbed for his pants as Dwicky tugged at them.

"Shh, relax. It's okay," he cooed.

"What are you doing Mr. Dwicky? Mr. Dwicky!"

"It's okay, It's okay! Look at the computer. It's okay! They're doing it; they like it, see?"

Just as Dib leaned forward to slide off the chair, strong arms wrapped around the small of his back... and Dwicky leaned forward too...

... and just as Dib wondered what in the world Mr. Dwicky was going to do now...

...lips closed around him and pulled and pressed the tongue swirled the strong, wet mouth pulled hair brushed against him. Frantically Dib pushed at the head in front of him, pushed harder and harder until he was pushing with all his might but Dwicky refused to let go...

"Mr. Dwicky, stop! Mr. Dwicky, please stop! STOP... !!!" Dib stopped only when he felt sobs beginning to creep into his voice. He must not cry, even though that was the one thing in the world he most felt like doing right now.

As the scalding heat crept up his face, Dib turned to desperately stare at the door, even though he knew it was locked, knew he had locked it himself, knew it was because he had locked it that he was here like this now. He didn't know which he dreaded more, having someone come in and catch them doing this or not having someone come in and catch them doing this. The policemen on TV had told him over and over again not to do this, and yet here he was... doing it!

"Mr. Dwicky... stop... please... just stop, Mr. Dwicky... stop... I... this... no I don't like this... Mr. Dwicky... stop PLEASE... "

Nothing Dib could think of to say or do could make it stop. He had never done anything like this before.

What on earth did you do or say to make it stop?

On and on it went. It wouldn't stop, it just would not stop...

Finally, as Dib told himself for the tenth time he couldn't stand another second of this, Dwicky let go; Dib went to jump off the chair before he had pulled his pants up and he tripped. Dwicky caught him so he wouldn't fall on the floor.

"Whoa! Yeah, you must have really liked that! But it's my turn now." He reached for his zipper.

His turn for what? Dib wondered vaguely, reaching for his pants. But before he had time to zip up, strong hands pulled Dib's head closer, though the voice was as gentle as ever. "Come on, you're going to like this. It's easy. I even showed you what to do."

If what had happened before was nightmarish, this was far worse. Dwicky kept pulling his head back and forth until Dib though he was going to choke, kept rubbing shaking, sweaty hands through his hair scythe, kept gasping and groaning...

Dib knew he was going to puke but it still came as a surprise when he did.

At that Dwicky finally let him go. Dib fell back into the chair, numb with shock and disgust. His ears rang. Hands over his mouth, he could do no more than close his eyes against whatever in God's Name was going to be done to him next...

But Dwicky was finally zipping up his pants, and he checked the clock as he did so. "Uh oh. You'd better go now. It's nearly lunch time."

The very idea of food, of eating, revolted Dib beyond endurance. Though he spat and spat and spat, that feeling, that taste, just refused to leave his mouth...

They're serving sausages today." Dwicky winked lewdly.

Dib's knees finally buckled, but instead of falling, he found himself racing for the door as if the room was on fire.

The door was locked. As Dib scrambled madly to undo the lock, he heard that voice once more. "Dib."

Dib froze. What now?

"I wouldn't bother trying to tell anybody about this. You're the boy who talks about aliens all the time. Aliens... !" Shaking his head, Dwicky looked back down at something on his desk and started to laugh.

Dib opened the door and fled, but not before Dwicky's voice reached down the hallway to his ears.

"See you next week... partner!"

the end.

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T READ IT BEFORE:

IF YOU'RE THINKING OF REVIEWING PLEASE READ THIS FIRST.

I've been lurking here for a long, long time, even before I got an account.

This is something I've had the urge to write for a long time.

Notice how I didn't say I wanted to write it.

As difficult as this was for me to write, I'm now finding it even harder to post.

I wasn't sure which show or book or movie to write it for.

At first.

But when all that dadr started coming out, I realized I had known all along, I just didn't realize I knew.

I knew then that I had to tell somebody about it.

No matter what anybody tells you, this is what the Vindicated episode was REALLY about.

I can only wonder how many other people this happened to.

Warning: slash, disturbing scenes.

Well maybe some of you might find them disturbing.

I know, I KNOW, that some of you are going to find this the most hysterically funny thing you've ever read.

As I said, I've been lurking here a long time.

I have seen many of you, those of you who hate Dib as well as those of you who say you like him (Uh huh, YEAH.) rejoice to no end when something horrible happens to him, but I did not intend this to be funny.

Laugh to yourselves if you must, but please don't bother reviewing if you're just going to say it's funny or he deserved it etc.

Just don't bother.

If you think this is funny keep it to yourself please.

I did not write this as a joke.


End file.
